Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
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