You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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