Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
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