i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
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