We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
