erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
