I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
