2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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