I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
