Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
