Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
