is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
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just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
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I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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