i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
