I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
