wrigley field is MILF paradise
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
