I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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