yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
