Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Do you remember whose house we're in?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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