Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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