i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
