Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
