Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
