I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Just cropdusted the office
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
