mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
