Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
