Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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