Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
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