You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
