My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
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