saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
