the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
We are all done wearing pants today
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
