If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
