I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
