You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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