Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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