On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
