I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
