she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
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