I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
