I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
