Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Randomize
