I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Randomize
