So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I need to sanitize my soul.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
