i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
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