I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
