Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
