you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
