So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize