we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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