here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Girls should come with a carfax report
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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