I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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