In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
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i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
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i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
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