Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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