Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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