yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
