this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
