I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
