I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
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